Awesome News

1. BP CEO Tony Hayward, awaking from a 58-day coma, told a congressional committee he is “deeply sorry” for the massively destructive oil spill his company caused in the Gulf of Mexico.
I mean, that’s the only conceivable explanation for the lateness of this apology, right?
And, from the looking up synonyms for “touching” file: He also said he was “personally devastated” by the deaths of the 11 men aboard the Deepwater Horizon at the time of the explosion. He also mentioned that he “regrets” the “profound effect” those deaths had on the family members of those who perished.
Finally, he pledged that he “would not rest” until he “made it right“. Now that’s he’s just woken up from an epic two-month sleep, he’s got all the energy in the world.
2. Alberta Culture Minister Lindsay Blackett is backpedaling today after online backlash over his remarks about Canadian TV shows.
In yet another case of “why don’t people get that you can’t say in public what you say to a buddy at a bar,” Blackett said at a conference Monday “Why do I produce so much shit? Why do I fund so much crap?”
We have two words for Minister Blackett. Awesome News Nightly. We promise it won’t be crap. And if you hire us some more writers, it might even happen every day. And we could move to Alberta, I guess. They have the internet there, right?
3. In yet another case of “I didn’t know what could happen,” two senior Halifax fire officials are suing anonymous commenters from the mystical land of the internet.
The commenters, using handles “thetruth” and “intheknow,” commented on an article about alleged racism in the fire department. The fire officials have lobbied internet providers for ISP addresses and personal information about the users, and are suing for general and punitive damages. No statement of defense has been filed — put perhaps they haven’t checked their facebook messages in a couple of days.
The moral here: NO ONE IS SAFE. ANONYMITY IS DEAD. 4CHAN BTARDS — RUN.
Just kidding. People on 4Chan are in no physical shape to run.